Accepting Blame
(Editorial - August 1999)
The apostle Peter says our "prayers are hindered" when a believing husband is at odds with his believing wife. When the union is so unhealthy that it begins to disintegrate, not only are prayers hindered, but the eternal life of the couple is put in jeopardy, along with that of their children.
It is critical we learn how to deal with such situations and marriage counselors tell us a universal barrier exists to solving domestic trouble: each party blames the other for the problem. Before any progress can be made, both must come to acknowledge and believe in their hearts that they must accept some blame for the situation and then, and much more importantly, move ahead to solve the problems.
Of course, accepting blame is not only a necessity in healing fractured marriages, it is a requisite to solving many problems in life.
We admire blame-takers
Ironically, we have a genuine admiration for those who accept blame for their actions,
especially when they could shift responsibility to others. Take Moses, for example.
In this month’s article, "Moses Falters," Bro. Tom Barling reviews the provocative conduct of Israel which preceded Moses’ rash double smiting of the rock at Kadesh Barnea. Moses, not Israel, was punished, yet Moses could easily have argued the blame was Israel’s, not his, as they persisted in accusing him of leading them into trouble. While God’s punishment is referenced five times in Deuteronomy as a source of grief to Moses (Deut. 1:37; 3:26; 4:21; 32:51; 34:4), he never excuses himself but sees the greater purpose in God’s conduct. For this, we respect Moses and admire the buoyant spirit he maintains throughout his closing words in Deuteronomy. He accepted blame and also rejoiced that his faith was still counted for righteousness.
Consider David as another case in point. While we are shocked at his transgression with Bathsheba and murder of Uriah, we admire his frank admission: "I have sinned" (II Sam. 12:13). There was no attempt to blame the compliant Bathsheba: "Against thee, thee only, have I sinned...that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest" (Psa. 51:4). He accepted blame and he rejoiced in the blessing of "him whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered" (Psa. 32:1).
Three thousand were baptized at Pentecost, responding to the charge: "...That same Jesus, whom ye have crucified..." We admire them for not shifting the blame to those immediately involved. They did not claim innocence because their own voices had not cried, "Crucify him," but accepted the general guilt attached to all who had not become followers of the Lord. By accepting blame, they were prepared to reach out for help and to repent and be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of their sins.
In our own daily lives, we admire the "buck-stops-here attitude." We value the salesperson or business manager who accepts responsibility to fix a problem. They may not be wholly responsible for what went wrong, but they are more interested in finding solutions than in excusing themselves.
Reasons for blaming another
If we admire those who accept the blame, why, in critical domestic situations, are we
reluctant to do so ourselves?
- Children are notorious for blaming others. "He did it!" "She did it!" "I didn’t do it!" are claims every parent hears all too often. As adults, we unfortunately sometimes act like children and point fingers at everyone but ourselves. Accepting blame thus indicates a healthy level of emotional maturity.
- For the immature person, society’s emphasis that we must maintain a high self-esteem can reinforce the childish tendency to shirk blame. Accepting blame inherently means we accept a low estimation of our conduct in at least some situations. In fact, the person who truly feels comfortable in their standing before God and man is the one who also feels able to accept blame, even when it may not be wholly his.
- As illustrated in the parable of the mote and the beam, we frequently have difficulty seeing ourselves as we really are. How could anyone think himself able to remove a speck from someone’s eye if they knew their vision was blocked by a log? But we become so accustomed to our own faults, we don’t see them, as more than one person will testify who has seen himself on video or heard himself on tape.
- If we accept blame, we accept responsibility to do something about it. It’s an easier course to shift blame to the other person so he is the one requiring counseling or work on his bad habits. Inherent human laziness is another reason for justifying ourselves.
Whatever the reason, persistent rationalization of our own faults can signal dangerous spiritual problems.
A dangerous symptom
Recognizing fault is not only critical to solving domestic difficulty, it is also
critical to our salvation. We are sharply warned:
"If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us" (I John 1:8-10).
"The truth is not in us...we make him a liar...his word is not in us" -- all said if we refuse to recognize what we do wrong and what we fail to do right. This is a serious issue!
In fact, the great point of the memorial service is that we should examine ourselves to reinforce our dependence on the salvation wrought through our Lord Jesus Christ. If we’re constantly excusing ourselves and blaming the other, then what are we doing every Sunday morning -- just keeping some ritual or really reflecting on the issues of salvation?
One of our primary first principles concerns the nature of man -- that we are prone to sin and are responsible for our own actions; there’s no personal devil to blame for our sins. Hopefully these are not just words to us. Of all people we should recognize we are to blame for our wrong conduct and have a powerful propensity within us to selfishness, harshness, conceit, etc. Surely if we really believe this first principle, we will hardly think all the blame in marital trouble belongs to the other person.
Finally, we all agree in theory that we are utterly dependent on the grace of God -- we are saved by grace through faith, not through our own goodness. If we really believe in His gracious forgiveness of our sins, we should, like David was able to do, frankly admit "I have sinned" when we have done so. We must not be like the Pharisees who thought they needed no savior, but like those who relied on the Lord for mercy and realized the depth and breadth of their need.
When a marriage is in trouble, when we are involved in difficulties of any kind, let us be willing to frankly search ourselves and candidly accept any blame that is ours, confident that in doing so we remove barriers to solving problems and ultimately rely on the forgiving grace of our Heavenly Father.
Don Styles