COMMENT
- The Unchosen Minority
(Reflection - April 2004)
I am writing about a very small minority in our midst. I hope our numbers do not grow. It has been said that we belong to an exclusive club. We, that are in it, hate it and would not wish it on anyone else. It has been allowed to happen in our families as a trial. Who are we? We are survivors of Suicide. We are families of CYC members who died by suicide. There are two of us that I am aware of in the United States and there are two in Australia. Members of the two families in the U.S. did not know each other before these devastating events, and have now become best of friends. I have gotten to know one of the families in Australia for the same reason.
It has been said that whatever is happening in the world will happen among Christadelphians within 5-10 years. Statistics say that for young people 15-24 years old, suicide is the third leading cause of death and males are more than four times more likely to die from suicide than are females. These four deaths of which I speak, three were males and one was a female. All of these occurred in the last three years.
There have been other suicides in the brotherhood and an adult within the last year, but this article is aimed at the youth who have been lost to this disease.
I was recently told by a sister-friend that everyone is learning how to cope and deal with it in the brotherhood from us. That is a big responsibility: to lead others in a Christ-like fashion through something as devastating as this. We, as survivors, are all trying, but it is a daily struggle.
I hope youths and adults will read this to be enlightened on many aspects of the subject. The first myth that I hope to dispel, one that has been verbalized to me, is that it is a selfish, unrighteous act. These youths were in emotional pain that others may or may not have known about. They were unable to verbalize their needs fully. They were youths who would take matters into their own hands before they would burden their families. They all loved and cared for their families very much. They did not see it as selfish; I do not see it as selfish, now. They only wanted their pain to end.
What was this pain? They took all the why’s and reasons with them. We survivors are left to surmise. One thing we must do is forgive them as we try to understand the heavy burdens that were on their minds.
Several things that are known about suicide is that of those who die by it, 90% are related to a psychological disorder, such as depression, bipolar or conduct disorder. Common precipitators are interpersonal conflict and loss(es) as major stresses in a youth’s life. All of this can be difficult to identify in our youth as they can typically “mask” their feelings very effectively.
Speak up
If someone tells you
he/she is thinking about this, do not try to handle it yourself if you have
never dealt with it. If you are a teen, break your “code of silence”
and tell an adult, letting the youth who told you know you are getting him
help. Take each and every person seriously if he tells you he is having
thoughts of ending his life. Do not brush him off, thinking he would never
do such a thing. Someone contemplating this will typically tell someone he
does not think will do anything about it. My son was right on target about
that with the people he shared his thoughts with. They kept the code of
silence for him until it was too late. Speak up if someone talks to you
about this. Young people, you are great listeners and usually wonderful
friends, but this is not a subject to be handled among your peer groups by
yourselves.
Every youth who attended my son’s funeral passed by me as I made them, each and everyone, promise that they would never do the same thing telling them that it is not the right choice. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I cannot begin to tell you, unless you have lived through it as a parent, the emotional and psychological pain that is brought on by the loss of a child to this disease.
My daughter, Sis. Jacquelyn, and I feel compelled to teach about the subject of depression and suicide to prevent any other deaths that we can. The other myth that has been told to me is that we MUST NOT talk about this, as it will just feed ideas into our youths’ heads. Let me tell you, the thoughts are already there. We must take our heads out of the sand and be open and frank and discuss it with our youth. I cannot begin to tell you how many Christadelphian youths have approached my daughter with thoughts of it and parents telling me personal stories of how they have dealt with the subject with their own children, contemplating it or planning it out. Our youth are faced with tremendous stress in these last days, more than we adults are often aware.
Jacquelyn, already as a young 18-year-old, has taught many classes on the subject and has had many public engagements, the largest being a statewide group of psychologists and social workers last fall. She has received a Congressional Recognition Award for her hard work and dedication on the subject. As a survivor, this is not always easy when you are speaking of your beloved brother, your best friend in all of the world, but she is propelled forward in his memory so that maybe she will touch other lives and prevent any other tragic losses such as these.
There have been many obstacles to overcome in her teaching and public speaking on the subject, but God continues to open doors and show her the way to continue on in her work.
As we near our third anniversary, being the “oldest” ones in this exclusive group, Jacquelyn has requested of many friends to send us notes of memories of her brother. As my sister-friend said, we are feeling our way along here, many things we have done, we have been criticized for. But I ask that you please be patient with us. I hope that I would be patient with any who lost a child in this manner and I had not. (If I am strong enough to do it, I plan for this to be the first in a series of articles on this subject). I would now like to share two of the notes we have received thus far. Being of the personal nature that these are, the authors are not being shared. But, young people, listen to the pain written from a youth survivor’s perspective.
The first is from a young person, a good friend of my son’s, a CYC member who writes:
Well, this is the hardest letter I've ever had to write. When I look at your brother’s life I look back on mine as failure. I don't blame myself for what he did but I blame myself for not being a good enough friend to prevent it. I remember that time period as if it were yesterday. It is burned in my mind in a sense. The night before he did it, I was going to call him to ask him if everything was going all right and if he wanted to hang out. Then I thought to myself, that I was tired and I would just call tomorrow. The next day my mom told me right after school that I might want to sit down. For some reason, I just knew something had happened to him. I’ve never cried more in my life than when I think of him. It used to make me sad that he was going away to college and I wouldn’t get to see him that often. I really abused our friendship when I think about it and I just think of how selfish I was and how he never would put himself first. It really has changed my whole life in how I think and act towards everyone that I know. He never gave me any signs to make me think he was going to do what he did. I would never have gotten where I was at sports without him. He always encouraged me to keep going whenever I wanted to quit. I am so sorry for what happened and I just want you to know that if I ever knew he was even contemplating what he did it would [of] never happened because just the thought of being without him I couldn’t handle. He was my safety line and was always there to pick me up whenever I fell. I can never replace him and I, always to this day, think about him.
An adult and best friend of the family wrote this titled:
THE FRUIT OF THE SPIRIT
In memory of Jonathan Kauffman
I have many meaningful memories of Jonathan as my children’s friend and classmate at Hanover Bible School, a boy who grew into a young man, who became a friend and example to our family.
I begin at the end, with a scripture used at Jon’s funeral service, which represents a perfect reflection of his life. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control....If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit” (Gal. 5:22-25).
The program pamphlet from Jonathan’s funeral service has been permanently and prominently placed inside the front flap of my Bible as a constant reminder of how to manifest my life in all ways. It is also a visual reminder of Jonathan and this is the way that I can feel close to him.
My happiest memories of Jonathan are at Hanover Bible School, playing basketball with the guys, making jokes, hugging or touching his mom whenever he was around her and his brilliant, bright blue eyes. This was the time we all took each other for granted and had the luxury of assuming it would always be this way. I remember Jonathan’s consideration and respect for others, whether it was his peers or adults. A human being that practiced being kind to all. How generous he was!
My most heartfelt and deepest memories were his visits to our home within months of his passing. We enjoyed his polite and quiet ways and his company. Because he was in our home near his last days on earth, I still feel very strongly that he is close to us now. How precious is our time on earth. It has made me realize that when you say goodbye to someone, you never know when you will see that person again. He had such a tender and sensitive heart.
Jonathan lived his life with honesty and integrity and lots of heart and most of all he manifested the example of Jesus the Christ, our friend, a gentle, kind, patient, trustworthy human being. For such a young person, he was most certainly a role model to all of us.
All my love and God bless you and your family forever and ever!!!
Deborah Davis-Kauffman,
mother of
Bro. Jonathan Thomas Kauffman, 5/25/83-3/6/01.